Dear Friend I’m Not Actually Going Go Have This Conversation With:

Judging from the number of times you text me each day and the pitiful updates you post on Facebook, I take it you’re kind of down.

I can help you with that.

People have grown weary of hearing how much money your husband makes. He’s a successful lawyer, super. Let’s move on. Oh and I promise, NO ONE wants to hear about his prostate issues and I’m pretty sure he’d like that information to remain private.

It’s tedious how you carry around invitations to certain people’s parties and then “accidentally” drop them on the table at Starbucks so *everyone* can see how well your social climbing is paying off.

Cursing like a sailor all the time and talking at twice the normal volume does not make you seem edgy or hip. It makes you sound like you’re in the Crazy Cat Lady Who Throws Cans At Cars training program.

And conveniently “showing up” when you know people are throwing cocktail parties isn’t cool. It’s lame. L-A-M-E.

I get that you feel needy and left out or whatever. And the sad part is you’re actually a good, kindhearted person. I have enjoyed our quiet cups of coffee together. It’s when we get in a group that you feel you must “perform.”

Just be you. We’ll all be happier.