Help, I've got a party to attend and I'm not sure what to wear. Oh wait, let me grab my "Dress Crocs." Problem solved.

I overheard this girl talking about her “Dress Crocs.”

Maybe she wears them to parties or church? Or perhaps they get the call any time the around-the-house Crocs just won’t get the job done.

I know lots of people like them as kids’ shoes since they’re easy to get on and off, although their safety has been questioned. For adults they make good garden shoes. And medical professionals who are on their feet all day like them. Fine. You all get a pass.

But here’s a newsflash for everyone else. Crocs are not shoes. They surely aren’t dress shoes.

Moving on.

Other suburban secrets revealed

  • A pitcher of margaritas + “Hit Me Baby One More Time” on the karaoke machine = trouble.
  • No one wants to hear about your mastitis. No one.
  • Your husband looks like an idiot making “gang signs” at the clubhouse pool party. Can he even name one rapper?
  • Everyone who got your last Arbonne blast email has put you on spam block.
  • Teaching your 3-year-old to offer a handshake to adults is just weird.

That’s it for now. Have a nice Croc-free weekend!