There’s a pimp on my block.

She’s new to our community. Immediately upon arrival she made it her business to learn the social pecking order and is in hot pursuit of the most prominent hens.

By pimping out her kids.

This friend, let’s call her Chicken Little, is married to a wealthy guy who travels a lot. Alone in a cavernous home in a new area, C.L. is desperate to ascend the social ladder and is constantly throwing pool parties, which she energetically documents. She’s become the paparazzi in her own home.

Within hours of each backyard bash, C.L. posts photos on Facebook. Most feature her kids posing, somewhat awkwardly, with the kids of her perceived social betters.

Her captions read like this: “Here’s (my kid) with his BEST FRIEND (kid of someone important)!”

I shudder at this blatant striving. The kids probably would all like each other just fine without C.L.’s aggressive social engineering. Pressed together like a panini, they’re bound to revolt. (Since when do 8-year-olds do anything their parents want?)

C.L. is actually very nice and her kids are great. But the word’s out, and everyone is hip to the agenda behind her pool parties. If she would lose her pimp hat and walking cane, I think everyone would like her a lot.

Instead, I see a grim future for C.L., full of unanswered phone calls and emails, and a bunch of Facebook unfriending. The victims, of course, are her kids.

I’m wondering how to broach this. How do you convince a pimp to stop turning tricks?

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