You know what former Vice President Dick Cheney, Osama bin Laden and Dr. Evil have in common?

(Set aside for a moment that Cheney is  the only one who is actually A. Real and B. Alive).

All three were totally down with secret, undisclosed locations.

Mentioning them isn’t meant to endorse Cheney’s politics, certainly not bin Laden’s murderous terrorist organization or Dr. Evil’s quest to outfit frickin’ sharks with frickin’ lasers. Come on, that doesn’t even make sense.

But I am hip to the desire to live life on the down low. Especially this time of year, when everyone you know is going to hit you up to buy popcorn, wrapping paper, scented candles or other knickknacks to benefit their kids’ school fundraising projects. (He-llo? I already pay my property taxes. There’s your school fundraiser.)

Aside from the troubling trend of putting children to work (child labor laws anyone?) and switching the focus from academics to sales pitches, not to mention the small fraction of proceeds that actually go to the schools propping up these marketing firms, it’s just not pleasant.

There’s no nice way to say, “I’m sorry if your child will have to learn multiplication on an abacus, but I just don’t want another ceramic goose.”

So I’m taking a new approach this year. I’m going underground. Porch lights = out. Garage door = shut. Phone = unplugged. Facebook settings = private. Television = off. Pineapple flag = furled.

Catch me if you can, suckers.