Look, I’m only trying to help here.

Dear people I actually know but are too dense to recognize themselves:

1. Quit posting skantacular photos of your 16-year-old budding porn star on Facebook. Are you trying to lure the neighborhood perv into a Fifty Shades of Grey deal? No. Enough with the booty shots of your kid. It’s weird. And wrong. And weird.

2. Those of you with little kids, say it with me: WASH CLOTH. Apply one to your kid’s face BEFORE taking the photos that you email all your friends. You think a photo of your 3-year-old with Cool Whip up his nose is adorable? That makes one of us.

3. Those of you who aren’t into kids, that’s cool. Kids aren’t for everyone. But enough with the “Cats Not Kids” bumper stickers and essays of bitter neurotics on Facebook. By the way your cat hates you.

4. Your husband is a tool. His racist jokes are not funny. We all know he leases that Jaguar. His hair plugs are not fooling anyone. Maybe he could try … being normal? Like, nice and pleasant? Instead of his life-of-the-party routine of offensive jokes and belittling comments? Just a thought.

5. When the church/committee/PTA/HOA/whatever meeting is about to wrap up and the person leading the meeting goes, “Does anyone have anything to add?” DON’T SAY ANYTHING. The phrase “Does anyone have anything to add?” is code for “If this meeting does not end in the next two seconds I am going to shove a screwdriver into my eye.”

6. Church and Sunday School are for fellowship and praying, that sort of thing. NOT so you can spam everyone on the email list with photos of your beach condo that you are trying to rent out for the summer. It is not cool to say to “type in the code word JESUS for a special discount.” Not cool at all.

7. Pregnancy is a magical time that does crazy things to your body. After the kiddo arrives it is A-ok to wear those preggo duds for a while. Packing yourself back into your pre-pregnancy gear two weeks after the baby comes is putting too much pressure on yourself and inflicting agony on the eyeballs of others. You do not look like a “hot mom” jammed into that strapless dress. You look like a giant sausage link.

8. Do not ask if you can join someone’s book club or supper club or tennis team or whatever. If you do invite yourself, we will of course say ,”Yes, we’d love to have you!” That will be a lie. We would not love to have you, but we are too polite to say so. We will tell anyone with a working set of ears that you crashed our club.

9. If the first invitation I get from you is a “home party” where you or one of your friends is going to try to sell me a bunch of overpriced crap out of a catalog, leave me off the invite list. Honestly I can’t believe anyone is still trying to make a go of Mary Kay/Arbonne/Pampered Chef/Stella and Dot anymore, as if we are living in pioneer days where you must wait for the Conestoga Wagon to arrive with vittles and yarn to arrive before you can feed or clothe yourself.

10. Over 35 + mini skirt = NO.

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